Jokes

Ok... I'm starting a joke list.

Here goes

The CIA, FBI, and LAPD decide they are going to settle the question of who is the best at catching bad guys. A simple contest to determine which can catch a rabbit the fastest in a given forest will be the measure of who is the best.

The CIA goes first.
After a month of paying millions to mineral and animal informants and satellite surveillance. The CIA announces that there are no rabbits in the forest.

Next up, the FBI
The FBI surrounds the forest and after a 2 week standoff, completely burns down the forest in a siege to capture a rabbit.

Finally the LAPD.
The LAPD charges into the forest and after 2 hours emerges dragging a severely beaten mountain lion... the lion screams "I confess I'm a rabbit!"

good one

That kinda reminds me of the three guys that were waiting for St. Peter to show up at the Pearly Gates - one in a jogging suit, one in his underwear and one totally naked.

When St. Peter finally showed up, he asked the guy in the jogging suit why did he show up at such ungodly hour...Very embarrassed, he said - "I know I messed up because I let my anger get the best of me.. I normally work the nightshift and because my young wife had been asking me to lose some weight, I figure I would surprise her by buying this jogging suit and taking time off from work and I showed up at the house at midnite. Well, to my surprise, there was another man inside the house and he was prolly cavorting with my young wife. So, in total rage I ran inside.. saw a window open in the kitchen, looked outside and I saw this man in his undergarments near the building garbage dumpster right below our window. Grabbed our huge freezer and pushed it out the window and that is when I had the heart attack. So that is how I ended up here..."

St Peter nodded his head and asked the second man in his undergarments about how he had come to the Gates of Heaven at that time. The man looked confused and said.. "Honestly, St. Peter, I have no idea.. I woke up to get a drink of water and saw that I had not thrown out the garbage earlier that evening and it was stinking up the place. Since I live in the bottom floor of our building, I just quickly ran outside to pitch it in the dumpster and all I saw was this massive white thing coming down on me.. So, that is how I ended up here..."

St.Peter with a smirk asked the third man about how he had ended up there naked... he said with a winning smile - "Well, St. Peter.. here I was cooling off inside this huge freezer.."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

An old lady went to see a psychotherapist. the therapist asked, "so what's your issue"?

The lady said, "well, doctor, I like making bets." The therapist was confused, "so? why is that a problem?"

The lady said, "well, I indulge in expensive bets. it's an obsession. for instance, I'd bet you $1000 that you have a mole on your butt."

The therapist laughed, "No I don't have a mole on my penis and I'll take your bet."

The lady said, "fine. I'll bring in my lawyer on our next session, and he'd make sure that our bet is legalized and whoever loses will pay up."

The therapist thought, now I see what her problem is, and agreed to let her lawyer visit.

So the following session, the lady and her lawyer went into the therapist's office, and the therapist took his pants off and showed his butt to the two - no mole.

The lady seemed oddly amused. "good. I'll write you a cheque of $1000..." when the lawyer let out a moan of frustration, confusing the therapist even further.

The old lady smirked and explain, "well my dear, I bet him $10,000 I can get you out of your pants..."